Monday, December 01, 2008

Job Description for Cats

I cannot claim to be the author of the entry below. It came to me via an email from my husband--no doubt he got it as one of those many humorous emails that float around the Internet and get sent from person to person in an office.

As we have two cats now, and have had a half a dozen cats over the past 30 years, I can attest to the accuracy of the information.

BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit & stare.

DOORS - Do not allow any closed any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs & hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened,it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in & out & think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up get to a white chair quickly.If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up while barfing so it's as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer onscreen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly & as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark & when they first get up in the morning. This will help them practice their co-ordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out. . .the humans will cover you with love & kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around and present your butt to them. . . .humans love this, so do it often !


Lynne at Hasty Brook said...

I loved this Donna! I read them to Art and he roared laughing! I grew up with cats and every one of these are so true.

Thanks for the laughs.

Beverly said...

Those are indeed true. I hadn't seen these before. I'm going to send your link to a couple of people who will laugh out loud.

Ruth said...

I have never had a cat...wonder if I ever will after reading this ;-)

Anvilcloud said...

Cats are great!! You have given me an idea for a blog.

Tossing Pebbles in the Stream said...

As one who lives with many cats, i can attest to the accuracy of the comments. There are others such as "if possible find a box to fold yourself in." or the younger the kat the more they like to sleep in groups, kind of like children.

Susan Gets Native said...

OMG, the BUTT thing! What the heck is UP with THAT?
They really think we like the but-in-the-face thing, don't they?


Beth said...

We have four cats--I don't know how that happened but it did and these rules are observed by them all. What a funny post.

Dog_geek said...

Yep - all of those sound mighty familiar! There should also be one about eating the houseplants, I think. Thanks for the laugh!

NCmountainwoman said...

I've never had a cat, but I have enough cat-owning friends to know this rings true. How funny!

Anonymous said...

Yes, quite a chuckle I had reading through these! When I open the door to let Figaro in or out he ALWAYS stops, sits down and starts grooming himself in the open doorway--EVERY TIME!! It is SO infuriating.

Also just had to clean up after Apu this morning. Along with backing up while barfing, my cats like save up enough to barf in three separate places. This morning Apu barfed on the kitchen floor, then still in the pose, scuttle to the rug, barf a little more, then scuttle to the wooden floor to finish off. Ahh, cats.

JeanMac said...

Too funny - and true!

Mary C said...

This was great, Donna. And VERY true! Thanks for posting it - it was good to laugh about all our cats' antics, including those commentors who added to it.

RuthieJ said...

Oh gosh Donna, this was so funny (especially the last one--my cat for sure!)